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Thread: Jokes ... because smiles make happy people, happier!

  1. #221
    Senior Member Pablo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Waharoa View Post
    It's funnier the way Dawsey tells it... 55
    Removed the duplicate joke...didn't see the first one.
    Waharoa likes this.

  2. #222
    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had until a fart that, from both sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was horrified.

    "Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth - isn't that right, nurse?"

    "Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father."

    .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ......

    "Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my wife.

    "Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle.

    "I've just finished, " I replied!!.

    .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .........

    An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists around the Top End of Oz.
    On their way to Kakadu he was describing the amazing abilities of the Australian Aborigines to track Man or Beast over Land, through the Air and under the Sea.
    The Americans Tourists were incredulous.

    Later in the day, as the group rounded a bend on the highway they discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
    He had one Ear pressed to the White Line, whilst his left Leg was held high in the Air..!
    The Tour Bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
    ..
    "Hey Jacky," said the Tour Guide, "What are you Tracking and what are you Listening for..?"
    The Aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute... It's a Red One… the left front Tyre is bald... The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel... There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm Sherry. There are 3 Kangaroos on the roof rack and 4 Dogs on the front seat."

    The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. "Good Lord man, how do you know all that information"..??? asked one tourist.
    The Aborigine replied:...
    "Cos Boss, I fell out of the fucking thing about half an hour ago!!.
    TLandHim and tnlawyer like this.
    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

  3. #223
    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent.
    So they decide the men will sleep in one tent, and the women will sleep in the other.
    In the middle of the night, John says, "Bob, look at this fucking hard-on I’ve got.
    It must be all the fresh air. I’m going over to see my wife."
    Bob says, "You want me to come with you?"
    John says, "Why the fuck would I want you to come with me?"
    Bob says, "Because that’s my dick that your holding."
    Homer and Waharoa like this.
    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

  4. #224
    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    THE MEANING OF BOYS NAMES!
    Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
    Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, well hung but very caring.
    Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
    Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
    Alex - cute and short but a liar and a cheat.
    Amir - Dirty, Smelly, Pecker is minuscule.
    Andy - boring and has a small pecker.
    Andrew - gay and still has a small pecker.
    Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
    Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of weed.
    Arnold - loser.
    Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
    Barry - lights fires, pinches girls bottoms and is well hung.
    Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.
    Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
    Bradley - thinks everyone likes him...but they don't.
    Brandon - good looking but uses girls.
    Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
    Brett - world wide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
    Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the Messiah he's just a naughty boy.
    Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
    Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.
    Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
    Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
    Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
    Cameron - wanker of the first order
    Carl - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex.
    Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
    Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies no real person has that name.
    Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
    Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
    Christian - very sexy and seductive (think 'Legends of the Fall').
    Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
    Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.
    Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.
    Con - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
    Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
    Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.
    Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
    Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
    Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
    Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.
    Darren - charming , but sleeps with men.
    Darryl - Hung like a pit pony, can suck a golf ball through a hosepipe and breathe through his lugs : )
    David - total flirt, good heart, funny and well loved......
    Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter - i.e. a wanker.
    Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick.
    Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
    Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow-up doll collection.
    Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.
    Don - dickhead.
    Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
    Drew - bad-arse losers who never shuts up.
    Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing.
    Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
    Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole.
    Emrys - Load mouth gob shite.
    Elliott - Full of himself
    Eric - shy.
    Erik - funny and treats girls how he wants to be treated.
    Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.
    Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy.
    Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.
    Gary - drug addict but willing to share.
    Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
    Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
    George - barman who drinks more than he serves.
    Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth
    Greame - very hard to understand, likes group sex
    Graham - will screw anything
    Grant - HORNY! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
    Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.
    Guy - Covers his back, has a small dick.

    continued below.
    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

  5. #225
    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
    Hathem - smooth, but very manipulative, not to be trusted around young girls.
    Haydn - tries hard.
    Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography (doesn't everybody!).
    Ian - really popular but knows all the girls want him
    Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
    Jamie - Scum of the Earth.
    James - built like a horse.
    Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well.
    Jason - Total cock whore
    Jeff - really ugly.
    Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
    Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
    Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
    Jack - stupid but hot. Always alright.
    Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.
    Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.
    Joel - arse.
    John - has no friends or life - tends to kill small animals.
    Jonathon - think he's good - he's shit.
    Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.
    Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
    Josh - full of himself, fun.
    Junior - hotty and totally good at football.
    Justin - aggravating, insecure & jealous.
    Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.
    Kevin - Always attracts really fit girlfriends also has a large penis, really nice to women.
    Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.
    Kenneth - very, very...anything* you want him to be.
    Kim - very understanding and caring, feels lost in Korea.
    Kurt - can kick anyone's arse, likes small boys.
    Ky - see Kain.
    Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips.
    Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
    Laurey - short and funny looking.
    Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
    Les - calm, calculating, intelligent, sexy.
    Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser.
    Lyndon - can always be found in bed or in the pub.
    Liam - loud mouthed arsehole, normally found in rock bands and pubs.
    Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
    Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
    Luke - seems to be sweet - Luke Solomons exactly!
    Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.
    Marc - Fantasises about pretty lights, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke - Tries to tell everyone
    Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is, not his great looks, mouthy bastard though.
    Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl, which is totally sweet.
    Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
    Mitchell - the ugliest dog and he don't get any.
    Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
    Nick - HORNY! but really nice - can't get past the missionary position though.
    Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed.
    Noel - an absolute diamond, sexy, funny and faultless....ap*art from when it comes to sorting out contents insurance for his home
    Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
    Oscar - loser, a good name for a dog.
    Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
    Patrick - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in pricks.
    Paul - drunk, drunk, drunk.
    Peter - cutie but very shy, makes women feel like virgins.
    Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool.
    Rashpal - C@@t
    Reagen - ...strange.
    Rhys - great lover but had his mind stolen by aliens a long,long time ago.
    Richard - cant see his feet balls are to big
    Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
    Rikki - see above.
    Rob - constantly watches porn.
    Roy - total loser and computer genius.
    Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
    Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole.
    Ryan - short but sexy body and even sexier mind.
    Sam - wannabe sex machine.
    Scott - has serious disabilities.
    Sean - has small testicles and no friends.
    Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
    Shane - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin.
    Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world.
    Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
    Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Talks bollocks.
    Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on.
    Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies but great in bed.
    Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
    Toby - best blow ever.
    Tom - cool but can be arrogant.
    Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around.
    Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.
    Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
    Troy - cute and popular.
    Taylor - gay.
    Warren - cool, homosexual guy.
    Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate.
    William - wishes he were popular but is ultimately a c@@t.
    Zach - sweet and polite and adorable
    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

  6. #226
    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    And the girls.

    Ada - Blue haired, smells of wee.
    Aileen - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic tacs
    Alison - Bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off.
    Amanda - I.Q. tends to be smaller than bra size. A good shag though.
    Amy - Devious, Likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted.
    Andrea - Small breasts, drinks pints.
    Angela - Vain, Hair style more important than oxygen. Usually foun hanging around toilets.
    Annabelle - Doesn't wear knickers.
    Annette - She's BIG.
    Anne - Looks like a horse, can't drive.
    Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance.
    Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.
    Beryl - Repressed alcoholic.
    Beverley - Trapped in an eighties timewarp.
    Bianca - Ginger.
    Bridgette - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.
    Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society.
    Camilla - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'.
    Carina - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow.
    Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears.
    Catherine - Attracted to the older man, needs ironing.
    Claire - Usually neurotic, gives good head, can have lesbian tendencies.
    Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.
    Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem.
    Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass.
    Christine - Likes men in uniform, never warm.
    Daisy - Virgin.
    Danni - Should make nice threesome with sibling.
    Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck.
    Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips.
    Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands.
    Denise - Sits on cats eyes, wears too much make up.
    Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle. Adds nothing to society.
    Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage.
    Doris - Purple haired, stinks of wee.
    Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths.
    Elizabeth - Born to rock, hates chickens.
    Ellie - Far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth
    Emily - Wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies.
    Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good looker!
    Estelle - Likes wombles, eats grass.
    Esther - Plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed.
    Faith - Legs met at knees, can't shag standing up.
    Faye - Wears wellies, can't swim.
    Felicity - She'll stab you with her nipples, plays darts.
    Fiona - Female mud wrestler, gives head.
    Francine - French.
    Gabrielle - French too.
    Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness.
    Gayleen - Big tall woman who talks shite all day.
    Gaynor - Lesbian.
    Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying.
    Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.
    Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies.
    Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking.
    Georgina - Wants to be a man.
    Gwyneth - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath.
    Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.
    Heather - Shags like a freight train, a screamer.
    Helen - Hangs around with the wrong crowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn.
    Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins.
    Hilary - Frigid.
    Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.
    Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.
    Ingrid - Right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles.
    Isabelle - necessary on a bicycle?
    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

  7. #227
    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    continued

    Jackie - Heroin addict, sold her child.
    Janet - Massive over bite, no neck.
    Jane - Babe, I'd drink her bath water.
    Jasmin - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.
    Jemma - Does anal, wears too much eye make-up.
    Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often.
    Jessica - Virgin, always will be.
    Joanne - Moans in her sleep, can't cook, moans when she wakes up
    Jordan - Ha ha ha ha ha - nuff said.
    Judith - Big eyes, big tits
    Judy - Huge tits, married to an arse.
    Julia - Innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes
    Justine- Massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets.
    Julie - Jabba the Hutt's sister, constantly pregnant.
    Karen - Huge tits, shags like a rabbit.
    Kate - see Catherine.
    Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing.
    Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig.
    Kirsty - Eats live moles, can't dance.
    Kylie - Trendy sex kitten that all the lads wanna shag (and probably have)
    Kym - Illiterate parents - see Kim
    Lana - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.
    Lara - Action packed, never seen naked.
    Laura - Likes Max power magazine, can't drive.
    Lauren - Pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night.
    Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.
    Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.
    Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men.
    Linda - Teenage bride, can swallow oranges whole.
    Lindsey - Likes doggy style, doesn't do housework.
    Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn.
    Liz - Long legged and brainey.
    Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet jellybabies
    Louise/a - Phwoooorrrrrrrrrr, Boing Boing Boing.
    Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to marry her dad.
    Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors.
    Maggie - Trainspotter, likes plaid.
    Margaret - Lovely mother, very generous.
    Maria - Bangs like a barn door.
    Marie - Life sapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY.
    Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear.
    Marolyn - Eats like a horse, out stays her welcome.
    Martina - Ugly lesbian.
    Martine - Can't act, can't sing, nice tits.
    Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz.
    Mary - had a little lamb.
    Maxine - drinks, smokes, swears and farts like a bloke
    Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.
    Melanie - Can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely.
    Melissa - Eats dogs, been in prison 6 times for burglary.
    Meryl - Dances like an ape, doesn't realise.
    Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them.
    Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.
    Marsha - Big butt, small brain.
    Monica - Doesn't swallow, should have.
    Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver.
    Nancy - White hair, remembers tanners.
    Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.
    Natasha - Had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing.
    Nell - Hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.
    Nicola - Slapper, alcoholic in denial.
    Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.
    Olga - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair.
    Olive - Oily skin, oils up well.
    Olivia - Neutron bomb.
    Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic.
    Pat - Butt ugly lesbian.
    Paula - Transvestite merchant banker for Basildon.
    Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes men to be stiff.
    Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar.
    Petra - Dead dog.
    Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly.
    Rachel - Amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her cheeks.
    Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.
    Rhonda - Help me, help me.
    Rosalind - Whahey, nuff said. Maybe 10 years ago.
    Rose - Can be prickly, good head giver
    Roseanne - ERRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.
    Rula - She measures up well.
    Sadie - Stand up if you're slim, please stand up, stand up
    Sally - Drives a Mustang, fights in pubs.
    Samantha - Loves her brother, has 4 deformed children.
    Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.
    Sarah - Likes pressed flowers and body piercing.
    Selina - Doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills.
    Shania - Often feels like a woman
    Sharon - Shags like a locomotive, yo-yo knickers.
    Sheila - Very big Down Under
    Shirley - Can swallow a Curly Wurly whole, likes bananas.
    Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.
    Simone - Used to be a shotputter from Cardiff.
    Sinitta - who?
    Sonya - Dirty lady of the night. Often referred to as a "carrier"
    Sophie - Brothel madam, wears a wrinkly corset.
    Stacey -Likes cut off jeans and arseless Speedo's.
    Steffi - Closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.
    Stephanie - Eats Muppets, wears Brogues.
    Sue - Always in court
    Susanne - should shave more often, wears Denim aftershave.
    Tanya - Hot minx, too short.
    Tara - Upper class slapper, needs extra chemicals.
    Tiffany - who?
    Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat less.
    Tori - Lives under a hedge, can't water ski.
    Tracy - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear.Loves kittens.
    Tracey - Lesbian.
    Ulrika - ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka.
    Ursula - Likes puppies, in curry.
    Vicky- Likes Yoga. And Women.
    Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon.
    Zandra - Strange appearance, eats guinea pigs dipped in chocolate.













    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

  8. #228
    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
    The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the opendoor of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

    'Mrs
    Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
    When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

    After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
    The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

    The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.
    Last edited by dawsey; 22nd July 2017 at 04:16.
    Waharoa, Captain, Homer and 3 others like this.
    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

  9. #229
    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    My Girlfriend`s just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.
    I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?"
    "What, in case I shit myself?" She replied.
    "No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't fucking open!!
    Tarzan and tnlawyer like this.
    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

  10. #230
    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    Say what you like about the Scousers, but they are indirectly responsible for one of the greatest motoring inventions of our time.
    Locking wheel nuts

    .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ....

    i was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as a large bulge in my swimming trunks was upsetting some of the other swimmers. i pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave. they replied "because he hasn't shit himself".

    .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ........

    As i lay in bed,i felt a hand slowly reach down my boxer shorts, play with my balls and stroke my pecker. It was nice but i wasn't in the mood." Not tonight", I whispered. "I'm tired"........
    "It doesn't fucking work like that in here" , said my cell mate!!.

    .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .......................................

    Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!... Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help..... Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!!..
    Dkdude, Homer, kaptainrob and 1 others like this.
    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

  11. #231
    Senior Member steve w's Avatar
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    so why no roger in the mens list ? sneaky editor of jokes me thinks 555
    dawsey and Homer like this.

  12. #232
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    A doctor was addressing a large audiencein Oxford

    "The material we put into ourstomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat isfull of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese foodis loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of usrealizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But,there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, orwill eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most griefand suffering for years after eating it?"

    After several seconds of quiet, a70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,"Wedding Cake."
    soupdragon, Captain, Pablo and 2 others like this.

  13. #233
    Senior Member Pablo's Avatar
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    The wedding ....



    A father texts his son:

    "My Dear Son,

    Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.

    My best love and good wishes.

    Your Father."


    His Son texts back:

    "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"


    His Father replies:

    "I know."
















    Last edited by Pablo; 1st August 2017 at 18:11.
    Captain and obes like this.
    Progressive Liberalism is a mental disorder.

  14. #234
    Senior Member Pablo's Avatar
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    555555555555555!

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    Progressive Liberalism is a mental disorder.

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