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Thread: Jokes ... because smiles make happy people, happier!

  1. #261
    Senior Member Waharoa's Avatar
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    I shouldn't laugh.
    Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation. It is the opium of the people.

  2. #262
    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    tnlawyer, MrDK and Dkdude like this.
    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

  3. #263
    Senior Member Pablo's Avatar
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    Parrot Trapped On Roof Keeps Telling Fire Crew To \"F**k Off\" - LADbible


    Parrot Trapped On Roof Keeps Telling Fire Crew To "F**k Off"
    Waharoa likes this.
    Progressive Liberalism is a mental disorder, time to M.A.G.A.

  4. #264
    Senior Member Waharoa's Avatar
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    To add insult to injury, once she had finished giving the firefighter a piece of her mind, she then promptly flew off to another roof, into a tree, and then back to her owner... 555
    Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation. It is the opium of the people.

  5. #265
    Senior Member MrDK's Avatar
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    A man passes and ends up in hell. He’s very depressed. The devil has a sit down with him and says “Hell isn’t so bad. Do you like beautiful women?”
    ”of course “
    ”Well Monday is orgy day. You can have sex with as many women as you want. All the kinky and nasty ones are here. You don’t have to worry about AIDS because you are already dead”
    ” I guess that doesn’t sound so bad” he said smiling
    “What about drinking? Do you like to get drunk?”
    ”Well sometimes”
    ”You’ll like Tuesdays. It’s all you can drink day. Drink as much as you want. Drink til ya pass out if you want. And don’t worry about drinking and driving. It doesn’t matter you are already dead. Do you like drugs?”
    ”I used to toke up sometimes in high school but that was a long time ago”
    ”Wednesday is drugged out Wednesday. We have the best drugs in Hell. Pot, ecstasy, heroin and cocaine. And you don’t have to worry about over dosing. You’re already dead”
    ”Gee this is sounding pretty good. I might like Hell”
    ”How about anal sex? Up the old Hershey highway? Maybe suck off a few sailors?”
    ”Fuck you! What do you think I am? Some kind of queer?”
    ”You’re gonna hate Thursday’s”
    Pablo, dawsey, tnlawyer and 1 others like this.

  6. #266
    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

  7. #267
    Senior Member MrDK's Avatar
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    Dad is sitting in his big chair reading the newspaper when his son Johnny comes home from Little League practice.
    “What did you do today Johnny?” Dad asks
    ”I had sex today”
    ”Johnny that’s great! You’ll remember it the rest of your life. I’m so proud of you. We should go celebrate”
    So they told mom they were going to have a father and son night out. They went to a baseball game and stopped for ice cream on the way home. Johnny almost caught a foul ball during the game.
    The next day at work Dad was bragging to his friends “My son Johnny is a chip off the block. He’s only 12 years old and he’s having sex already”
    Later that night Dad is sitting in his big chair reading the newspaper when Johnny comes in.
    “So Johnny, did you have sex again today?”
    ”No Dad. My butt still hurts from yesterday”

  8. #268
    Senior Member MrDK's Avatar
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    A wife buys her husband two new ties for his birthday. Next morning the man gets dressed for work and comes downstairs wearing one of his new ties whereupon his wife bursts into tears.
    "Why darling, whatever is the matter?" asks the husband.
    "You don't like the other one" says the wife.

  9. #269
    Senior Member MrDK's Avatar
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    There were these 3 old guys in a rest home. The first guy was 70, the second guy was 80 and the third guy was 90. One day these three guys were sitting around talking and the 70 year old said, "I sure wish I could take a healthy piss again".
    The 80 year old guy looked at him and said, "Aww....that ain't nothing. With me, I just wish I could take a healthy shit again."
    The 90 year old looks at these 2 guys and says, "Aww...you guys don't have anything to worry about. With me, every morning about 7 o'clock, I take a healthy piss. Come about 9, I take a healthy shit. I just wish I could wake up before 11."
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  10. #270
    Senior Member Pablo's Avatar
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    An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.

    He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

    Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon
    She said................ "F#*K OFF' " they're for the funeral."

    What a beautiful love story!!
    TLandHim, Waharoa, dawsey and 1 others like this.
    Progressive Liberalism is a mental disorder, time to M.A.G.A.

  11. #271
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    Uups. Small mistake.
    Although those on the dark side may be interested.
    Attached Images Attached Images
    dawsey, Dkdude and Waharoa like this.

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