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Thread: Jokes ... because smiles make happy people, happier!

  1. #121
    Super Moderator LivinLOS's Avatar
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    Little Joey.

    Joey goes to confession...

    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

    "Yes, Father, it is."

    "And who was the girl you were with?"

    "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

    "I cannot say."

    "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

    "I'll never tell."

    "Was it Nina Capelli?"

    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"

    "My lips are sealed."

    "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

    "Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

    "Four months vacation and five good leads...

  2. #122
    Senior Member 2girls1cup's Avatar
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    You know you're dying for a dump when you have to shoot your girlfriend to get into the bathroom.

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    #MotoAsia - Ultimate motorcycle tours

  3. #123
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    AN IRISHMAN AND THE MERCEDES

    On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives hisMercedes into a petrolstation in aremote part of the Irish countryside.

    The pump attendantwho knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets himin a typical Irish manner completely unawareof who the golfing pro is.

    "Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says theattendant.
    Tiger nods aquick, 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

    As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket ontothe ground.
    "What bethose?" asks the attendant.

    "They'recalled tees," replies Tiger.
    "Well, whaton this God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

    "They're for resting my balls on when I'mdriving," says Tiger.

    "Fookin Jaysus," says the Irishman,"Mercedes think of everything!"

  4. #124
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    After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.



    He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction!



    What a nice bloke!
    LivinLOS and kaptainrob like this.

  5. #125
    Senior Member 2girls1cup's Avatar
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    Going by Wayne Rooney's form.. He couldn't score in Rotherham if he was outside a kebab shop dressed as a 6 year old girl.
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  6. #126
    Senior Member soupdragon's Avatar
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    I do hope this is true......
    Attached Images Attached Images
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  7. #127
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    The School of Psychology, Harvard University recently conducted a public survey called "What really do you see?"






    People were asked to focus their attention on a very simple picture, and then asked if they had noticed anything odd.



    Now, you have the chance to take part in this survey.




    Study the picture for 1 minute; then reveal what you see that is HORRENDOUS.










    Start now.....





    Attachment 3521







    Question : What do you see that is HORRENDOUS?


    Scroll down for the answer :




























    Answer : There's a MOUSE on one of the doughnuts!



    Results of the Survey :



    1. 100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the bosom.

    2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.























    Last edited by Pablo; 3rd October 2014 at 08:39.

  8. #128
    Senior Member 2girls1cup's Avatar
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    Nice try, Clooney "wedding."

    I know a casino heist when I see one.

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    #MotoAsia - Ultimate motorcycle tours

  9. #129
    Senior Member faultytowers's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by soupdragon View Post
    I do hope this is true......
    snopes.com: Speed Trap Issues Tickets to Itself

  10. #130
    Senior Member soupdragon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by faultytowers View Post
    I figured it was probably a hoax but just the idea of it made me giggle.

  11. #131
    Senior Member Bacon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by soupdragon View Post
    I figured it was probably a hoax but just the idea of it made me giggle.
    No reason why it won't work in theory though.
    ןooʇsɹɐq ʎɯ uo ʞɔɐq eɯ ʇnd esɐeןd sıɥʇ pɐeɹ uɐɔ noʎ ɟı

  12. #132
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    A CNN Reporter, BBC Reporter, and an Israeli commando were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
    The CNN Reporter said, ‘Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”
    The BBC Reporter said, ‘I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The terror leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, ‘Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”
    The leader turned and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”
    “Kick me in the rear,” said the soldier.
    “What?’ asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
    “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the rear,” insisted the Israeli.
    So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the rear.
    The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
    As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the rear first?”
    “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

  13. #133
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    Guido the Italian Lover



    A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.


    Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.


    After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."


    Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
    This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..


    The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."


    Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.


    Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping ...


    Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
    Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

    "No, I'm Norwegian."
    TLandHim, WarProfiteer and jackal like this.

  14. #134
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  15. #135
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    Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

    When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

    One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

    "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

    Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
    slampay, Waharoa, Yes and 5 others like this.

  16. #136
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    What's a dilemma ?

    A student asked his english professor: "what is the definition of a dilemma?".

    The professor said, "well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that".

    "imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side, and a gay man on the other".

    "who are you going to turn your back on?"

  17. #137
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    Not a joke, but as good
    Ex-husbands precious Porsche 911
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  18. #138
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    CAN YOU TASTE THE SALT?

    (scarfed this from another forum, but just too funny)


    https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v...type=2&theater
    slampay, LivinLOS, obes and 2 others like this.

  19. #139
    Senior Member slampay's Avatar
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    Two funny things:

    One, the video is funny!

    Two....you said "scarfed". 555
    If you don’t agree with Qablo, you must be a blood drinking, baby killing PEDOPHILE! Just like Tom Hanks...

  20. #140
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    Haha Pablo - that's a pisser ! 55555555555

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