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Thread: Jokes ... because smiles make happy people, happier!

  1. #1
    Senior Member kaptainrob's Avatar
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    Red face Jokes ... because smiles make happy people, happier!

    A knock on the door?







    There was a knock on the door this morning.

    I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

    "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."

    I said "Come in and sit down."

    I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"



    He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."


    Cheers, Rob.

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    Super Moderator K2's Avatar
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    http://dailycurrant.com/2013/04/22/s...zech-republic/

    Thanks America for keeping her out of the White House!!
    geir and soupdragon like this.
    Its My Life .....!

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    IRISH SEX AID

    Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age, all was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex.
    It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..

    To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
    However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people.
    But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding.
    Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.
    So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.
    This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

    So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
    After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
    They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
    When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

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    An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

    The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

    The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". He did and warmed his nose.

    The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

    The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

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    Senior Member Stillearly's Avatar
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    I was making a stew and the recipe said I needed to bone the lamb first.


    Luckily my Welsh mate Steve was on hand for some expert advice.
    dawsey and steve w like this.
    'If it floats, flies or fcuks , it's cheaper to rent"

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    Senior Member kaptainrob's Avatar
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    ^ just as well he wasn't a Kiwi ....

    A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means
    he has to impregnate the sheep.
    So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day serving the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look
    out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of
    them's honking the horn."
    Waharoa and Dkdude like this.
    Cheers, Rob.

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    A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
    He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
    True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

    When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

    He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"

    The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

    Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

    The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

    "E, she were thin".

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    Senior Member beuk's Avatar
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    999004_539435342788094_1276564387_n.jpg Could have used it sometimes.
    Stress is when you wake up screaming realizing you weren't sleeping.

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    Senior Member Bacon's Avatar
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    I "borrowed" this joke from Sunny's facebook.

    Thailand Cowasaki 555

    ןooʇsɹɐq ʎɯ uo ʞɔɐq eɯ ʇnd esɐeןd sıɥʇ pɐeɹ uɐɔ noʎ ɟı

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    Senior Member soupdragon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bacon View Post
    I "borrowed" this joke from Sunny's facebook.

    Thailand Cowasaki 555

    You can tell it's Thailand.......................No helmet.

  11. #11
    Senior Member Dodger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by soupdragon View Post
    You can tell it's Thailand.......................No helmet.
    Do they sell cow helmets??? wow this board is great, I learn new things everyday!!!5555
    Custard should be a colour...cos I could then paint over the mess I've just made!!!

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    Member Jack's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dodger View Post
    Do they sell cow helmets??? wow this board is great, I learn new things everyday!!!5555
    Don't be daft cows don't wear helmets ...they use Bullbars!
    soupdragon likes this.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack View Post
    Don't be daft cows don't wear helmets ...they use Bullbars!
    Jack
    That is just so bad
    I love it

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    A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

    A passing Tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?"

    The woman says, "No, go away you dirty old Tramp."

    The Tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom.

  15. #15
    Member Jack's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Footymadstreams View Post
    A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

    A passing Tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?"

    The woman says, "No, go away you dirty old Tramp."

    The Tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom.
    I'm a bit thick. I had to read that twice before I got it!

  16. #16
    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    Probably only understood by Brits.

    Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,
    and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,
    he could still have sex 3 times a night.

    Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

    After the show, Cilla says,

    "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.

    Lets go back to my 'ouse, chuck, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun."

    So they went back to her place and got comfortable

    After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

    Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,
    let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
    But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".

    Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay, our Sean".

    He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

    Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
    But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

    "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
    Cilla complies with the routine.

    The results this time are absolutely mind-blowing.

    Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

    "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand
    and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

    Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,

    but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
    the bitch stole ma wallet !"
    kris-one likes this.
    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

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    Super Moderator dawsey's Avatar
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    The other day my girlfriend put me in a tough situation; she said, "Do I look fat in this?"
    Just before I told her how great she looked, my mouth started moving for me and I said:

    "To be fair, it's a small room."

    Now that her stuff's gone, the room is actually quite large.
    Steve@thaib, Waharoa and Robaht like this.
    RIP Nicke June 1971 - Jan 2013.

    AT SOME POINT IN LIFE, EVERYONE HAS GAMBLED ON A FART AND LOST.

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    Have you ever noticed that the names of Ford cars make a lot of sense if you put the word "Anal" in front of them.

    Explorer, Probe, Escort, Transit, Focus, Fiesta, Courier, Raider, Ranger, Territory.
    Stillearly likes this.

  19. #19
    Member Jack's Avatar
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    Why was 10 afraid?

    ....

    Because 7, 8, 9!


    Hang on I've got worse jokes than that.

    Dave drowned.

    So for the funeral I got him a wreath in the shape of a life jacket. It's what he would have wanted.
    Last edited by Jack; 13th July 2013 at 03:08.

  20. #20
    Senior Member Robaht's Avatar
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    Man, everyone must know this one, but it's too corny to not share again:

    A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "have you seen my brother?"

    "How the hell would I know?" asks the bartender. "What does he look like?"



    ha ha ha, makes me smile every time.
    Jack likes this.

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