The case of my stepson

[marc26]

Most of aware of our long process that has been bringing my stepson to Canada.
My wife started coming here on 6 month tourist visas in 2009
She got a WP in 2012 but had some minor health issues which put as in a grey zone of not knowing if she be allowed to stay in Canada
It wasn't until she got her knew 3yr WP last month that we now know her admissibility would not be an issue
So this is the 1st time other her and I have 3yr WP together

So I stared to bring up the possibility of my step-son coming over to go to school but my wife kind of kept blowing me off.
One reason, I thought, was I am very fickle and change my mind a lot but she knows I would never do that in regards to her son, anything I say will be done.....I know the importance.

So we finally had a real talk yesterday and she basically said she doesn't have a connection with her son like her mom does and best to leave him there.
Now, some of her reasoning made sense...
He has one more year left of "middle school" she thinks he should at least finish before coming here
Her and some people on here have said at 13/14yrs old it is best to leave him where he is(I don't totally disagree)

But just hearing her so willingly give up a chance to have a full time relationship with her son was a bit shocking. I have always knew in the back of my mind that she felt this way and I know it is a cultural difference and I shouldn't care so much since he is only my stepson............but it effected me greatly hearing in speak so bluntly.
Again, I know it is cultural.........but when you are used to mothers doing anything to be with their kids it is not that easy to break away from that way of thinking and accept it is different
I told her I felt that some of her reasoning does make sense but that I also felt she was basically giving up any chance to have a mother/son relationship with him and it may effect both of them down the road

And seeing how hard it is for the Thais we know that have degrees from Thailand able to get a real job here.......I still believe if you have a chance for your child to get a western education, it opens up so many more options for them


Also, I'd be lying if I said hearing her be so ok with not having a bond or relationship with her son doesn't give me pause when we are trying to have a baby.
I know half the guys wouldn't even care if they ever saw their TG's kids.............but I don't know.....it all just bummed me out

[tnlawyer]

What does he think about it? Does he want to move or stay in Thailand?

[kris-one]

Re the education I don't think that's much of a big deal. Providing his English is good and you have the wonga to pay international fees he having his secondary education in LOS doesn't rule him out of coming to the west for uni. I would think more important is his chance to get a Canadian passport? Now that could really be a life changer.

[marc26]

Re the education I don't think that's much of a big deal. Providing his English is good and you have the wonga to pay international fees he having his secondary education in LOS doesn't rule him out of coming to the west for uni. I would think more important is his chance to get a Canadian passport? Now that could really be a life changer.

We have had this debate before..........and I see it as a huge issue/deal. I see it real time all the time here
Call it prejudice/racism but I have seen even Thais that went to University here not being able to get jobs
It is hard to explain, but staying in a foreign country and just going to University in North America, a lot of times you still have those traits and mannerisms that some people may feel a prejudice to

The only time I see that scenario work out is if the kid is extremely smart and went to a top notch school in NA, then a big firm will take them on

[marc26]

What does he think about it? Does he want to move or stay in Thailand?

He very much wanted to come to Canada but now at 13yrs old, she told me yesterday he didn't want to
Which you have to take into account but sometimes parents need to over rule kids also, for their own good?

(this is not me saying they have to, me sort of wondering/asking)

[tnlawyer]

He very much wanted to come to Canada but now at 13yrs old, she told me yesterday he didn't want to
Which you have to take into account but sometimes parents need to over rule kids also, for their own good?

(this is not me saying they have to, me sort of wondering/asking)

Agree, especially at that age. They often look for the easiest route or where they feel like they can get away with more. Maybe a visit to Canada and spending 4-6 weeks with y'all there would be good for him?

[kris-one]

We have had this debate before..........and I see it as a huge issue/deal. I see it real time all the time here
Call it prejudice/racism but I have seen even Thais that went to University here not being able to get jobs

Yeah I see it too. But also seen first hand being not long graduated that the majority of my international mates did their a level or equivalents in their home countries then came here for uni. Only the high so types who were sent to boarding school here did a levels here. Like I said though. As good as your education is, if your passport is useless you are restricting yourself to the local market and local wages.

[kris-one]

The UK used to offer those who did their degrees here 2 year visa for post degree employment. A good chance to get your foot in the door and after the two years the company could then apply for a visa on your behalf. However due to abuse/economic shizzle they been scraped. Even more important therefore to have a good passport.

[marc26]

Agree, especially at that age. They often look for the easiest route or where they feel like they can get away with more. Maybe a visit to Canada and spending 4-6 weeks with y'all there would be good for him?

That looks to be the plan in March/April
Will spend his break with us
I guess I need to take baby steps instead of jumping right in

It was a great talk we had and my wife was very mature about it
All I can do is say my opinion and set it up so that if they feel he should come he is set up to come(English classes again, for sure)
Beyond that..................I need to realize it is out of my control

[marc26]

The UK used to offer those who did their degrees here 2 year visa for post degree employment. A good chance to get your foot in the door and after the two years the company could then apply for a visa on your behalf. However due to abuse/economic shizzle they been scraped. Even more important therefore to have a good passport.

I don't think visas will ever be an issue in regards to him
This study permit was going to be as easy as can be
So if he was on that for 4-5 years, he already eligible for PR before University

[kris-one]

^ that's what I mean. Get him in early and get the PR eligibility up and running before he's 18/19. IMO, obviously

[marc26]

Yeah I see it too. But also seen first hand being not long graduated that the majority of my international mates did their a level or equivalents in their home countries then came here for uni. Only the high so types who were sent to boarding school here did a levels here. Like I said though. As good as your education is, if your passport is useless you are restricting yourself to the local market and local wages.

Take a firm like mine
A very well respected firm but limited in scope.
We have a lot of immigrated people working in support positions and some Chinese-Canadian analysts but for the most part, all of our higher level, money making jobs are purely Canadian/American

Now a place like Goldman that hires out of the Ivy league, you will see many more immigrated people in prominent roles

[kris-one]

Haha yeah. My mate I work with went for a job at GS on their energy desk in London. This guy has very little high school education let alone a uni degree! We search for guys on the GS energy desk via LinkedIn and there this one young immigrant Chinese dude, started his bachelors at an American uni in physics at 13 year old (youngest in history according to his profile!) Phd in his early 20s, in financial engineering. Made us depressed thinking what we have to compete with 555

[geir]

I've said it before and see it all the time around me......a lot of Thai mothers are useless, they don't care about their kids and are making easy shortcuts to send the kid away or hire someone to babysit all day long. It may be that they are borned into a system where the grandmothers take care of the kids, but I have a feeling that it is deeper than that. The way they are making fun of their own kids in public is quite shocking. The number of girls that are leaving their kids with the father and fuck off for years is way to high. It's not normal where we come from, but I think we have to accept that a lot of Thais don't have the same caring mentality as us when it comes to kids.

That said, it's not on my bucket list, but I may give inn to it and have a kid one day out of respect for my wife and her needs. She have done a lot for me, and I'm open at lest to consider it at some stage.

[marc26]

I've said it before and see it all the time around me......a lot of Thai mothers are useless, they don't care about their kids and are making easy shortcuts to send the kid away or hire someone to babysit all day long. It may be that they are borned into a system where the grandmothers take care of the kids, but I have a feeling that it is deeper than that. The way they are making fun of their own kids in public is quite shocking. The number of girls that are leaving their kids with the father and fuck off for years is way to high. It's not normal where we come from, but I think we have to accept that a lot of Thais don't have the same caring mentality as us when it comes to kids.

That said it's not on my bucket list, but I may give inn to it and have a kid one day out of respect for my wife and her needs. She have done a lot for me, and I'm open at lest to consider it at some stage.

Well for me, I know I will be a great dad no matter the circumstances
I am just worried for the kid if their mom isn't around or doesn't care............it can fuck them up
You think, at least I think, that being a great dad will take care of all the rest............but maybe it wouldn't

It is kind of a fcuked up situation. I love my wife and she has shown to have very great character in a lot of things she does, probably the most honest person I know, would never cheat someone, a great friend to people
But I can honestly say I don't have a clue how she will be as a mother if we have a child

[geir]

My Mrs temper scares even me sometimes, and make me think twice of having kids...........but she is getting older and wiser, so we'll see.

[marc26]

PERFECT FCUKING EXAMPLE

my wife has the day off, so when she has the day off............she is supposed to walk and feed the dog
I call her now at 9:30 am and she still hasn't taken him out!
She said he's fine.................no, you can't make a dog hold it for almost 10 fcuking hours!!

[geir]

Butplug????

[slampay]

PERFECT FCUKING EXAMPLE

my wife has the day off, so when she has the day off............she is supposed to walk and feed the dog
I call her now at 9:30 am and she still hasn't taken him out!
She said he's fine.................no, you can't make a dog hold it for almost 10 fcuking hours!!

Remember your blood pressure darling...

[Tarzan]

I've said it before and see it all the time around me......a lot of Thai mothers are useless, they don't care about their kids and are making easy shortcuts to send the kid away or hire someone to babysit all day long. It may be that they are borned into a system where the grandmothers take care of the kids, but I have a feeling that it is deeper than that. The way they are making fun of their own kids in public is quite shocking. The number of girls that are leaving their kids with the father and fuck off for years is way to high. It's not normal where we come from, but I think we have to accept that a lot of Thais don't have the same caring mentality as us when it comes to kids.

That said, it's not on my bucket list, but I may give inn to it and have a kid one day out of respect for my wife and her needs. She have done a lot for me, and I'm open at lest to consider it at some stage.

Give in and have a kid...?
If you have that attitude towards getting a kid, my advice is dont have one.... Getting a kid is nothing you do just to make someone happy.....
Much more fair to your wife to divorce her and let her try to meet someone that also wants a kid...